Spaceballs: The Script
Submitted for your approval by Spaceball City.....
Spaceballs: The Script
SPACEBALLS
Once upon a time warp. . . .
In a galaxy very,
very, very, very, far
away, there lived a ruthless race of beings known as .
. . Spaceballs.
Chapter Eleven
The evil leaders of Planet
Spaceball,
having foolishly squandered their precious atmosphere, have
devised a secret
plan to take every breath of air away from their
peace-loving neighbor,
Planet Druidia.
Today is Princess Vespa's
wedding day.
Unbeknownst to the princess, but knowest to us, danger lurks in
the stars
above. . .
If you can read this, you don't need
glasses.
EXT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE SPACEBALL 1 passes
by at a slow
speed. It takes the ship about two minutes to pass. At the
end of the ship is
a bumper sticker that says, WE BRAKE FOR NOBODY.
INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE
SANDURZ is standing in
the front of the ship.
RICO Colonel
Sandurz.
SANDURZ What is it, Sergeant Rico?
RICO You told me to
let you know the moment Planet
Druidia was in sight, sir.
SANDURZ
So.
RICO Planet Druidia is in sight, sir.
SANDURZ You're really a
Spaceball. You know that,
don't you?
RICO Thanks, sir.
SANDURZ
Have you notified Lord Helmet?
RICO Yes, sir. I took the liberty. He's on
his
way.
VOICE (O.S.) Make way for Dark Helmet.
SANDURZ All
rise in the presence of Dark Helmet.
. A door opens revealing DARK
HELMET,
he resembles Darth Vader, walking toward camera. He stops in front of
camera,
and is having trouble breathing with the mask down.
HELMET
(pulls mask up) I can't breathe in this
thing.
SANDURZ We're
approaching Planet Druidia, sir.
HELMET Good. I'll call Spaceball City,
and notify
President Skroob immediately.
RICO I already called him,
sir. He knows everything.
HELMET What? You went over my
helmet?
RICO Well, not exactly over it, sir. More on the
side. I'll
always call you first. It'll never happen again. Never, ever!
HELMET
(puts on Schwartz ring)
RICO Oh shit! No, no, no, no, no, please,
no,
no, please, no, not that. (covers his neck)
HELMET (pulls mask
down) Yes. That. (shoots a
green ray at Rico's crouch)
RICO
Whaoooooooo! Owwwwwwwwww!
GUARDS take him away. HELMET
Sandurz.
SANDURZ (covers his crouch) Sir?
HELMET I don't see
Planet Druidia. Where is it?
SANDURZ We don't have visual contact yet,
sir,
but we have it on the radar screen. Shall I punch it up for
you?
HELMET Na, nevermind. I'll do it myself.
HELMET and SANDURZ
walk to the radar screen. HELMET
stops in front of the coffee
maker.
SANDURZ Very good, sir. HELMET What's the matter
with this
thing? What's all that churning and bubbling? You call that a
radar screen.
SANDURZ No, sir. We call it, "Mr. Coffee." (points
at
label, "Mr. Coffee") Care for some?
HELMET Yes! I
always have coffee when I watch
radar. You know that.
SANDURZ Of
course I do, sir. HELMET Everybody
knows that.
EVERYBODY (covers their
crouch) Of course we do,
sir.
HELMET (takes coffee) Now that I have my
coffee,
I'm ready to watch radar. Where is it?
SANDURZ (points to
label "Mr. Radar")
Right here, sir.
HELMET Switch to
teleview.
RADAR changes to a picture of Planet Druidia.
HELMET
There it is, Planet Druidia, and underneath
the air shield, ten thousand
years of fresh air. We must get through that
air shield.
SANDURZ We
will, sir. Once we kidnap the princess,
we will force her father, King
Roland, to give us the combination to the
air shield. Thereby destroying
Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceballs.
HELMET Everybody got that.
Good! When will the
princess be married?
SANDURZ Within the hour,
sir.
HELMET Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause
it's gonna be a
short honeymoon. (takes a drink of coffee) Mmmmmmm,
mmmmmm,
mmmmmm.
SANDURZ hits his back. HELMET spits out coffee
and
his mask falls down. HELMET (mask down) Hot! Too hot!
PLANET DRUIDIA -
EXT. CHAPLE - DAY Sign reads,
"Today, the Royal Wedding of Princess
Vespa to Prince Valium. Tomorrow,
Bingo."
INT. CHAPLE - DAY
The USHER is fixing something
on KING ROLAND'S outfit. PRINCESS VESPA is
pacing.
ROLAND Oh, if only your mother were alive to see
this day. All
right, is everyone ready?
USHER Yes, your majesty.
VESPA No!
Where's my droid of honor?
USHER Oh dear, yes. Where's Dot? Dot? Dot
Matrix?
Oh, thank god. Where've you been?
DOT Here I am. I'm sorry. I
had to make a pit
stop. I'm so excited, I couldn't hold my oil.
USHER
All right, people. It's magic time.
ROLAND All right, everyone, starting
on the left
foot. (puts his right foot out)
VESPA Daddy that's your
right foot.
ROLAND It's too late. Keep going.
They start walking
down the aisle. The organ is
playing "Here Comes the
Bride."
VESPA (stops) Daddy.
Organ player
stops.
VESPA Must I go through with this.
ROLAND I'm sorry, my
dear, you have to.
They start walking again. The organ starts
up
again.
VESPA (stops) But, daddy.
Organ stops
again.
VESPA I don't love him.
ROLAND I'm sorry, Vespa, he's the
last prince
left in the galaxy.
VALIUM yawns. They reach the
altar.
MINISTER Dearly beloved, we are gathered here
on this most
joyous occasion, to witness Princess Vespa, daughter of
King
Roland....
VESPA starts running toward the door, while Dot
is
dragging behind.
MINISTER ....going right past the alter, heading
down
the ramp, and out the door.
ROLAND Stop her! Someone, stop her! Stop
her!
EXT. CHAPEL - DAY VESPA and DOT come out of the
chapel. They head
for the getaway car.
DOT Hey wait! You forgot to get married. Will
you
stop?
They get to the car. VESPA opens the door.
DOT What are you
doing?
VESPA (starts to get in the getaway car) No questions,
Dot. Get
in.
Car starts up, and the ramp starts to tilt upward.
Everyone else
comes out of the chapel.
ROLAND What is she doing? Where is she
going?
The car takes off toward space.
VALIUM Come baaaaack!
(yawns while saying back)
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE The Eagle 5 is a
Winnebago
with wings. BARF is eating ice cream and dancing to music. BARF is
a mog.
He's half man, half dog. LONE STARR is at the wheel, asleep. LONE
STARR
is drunk. He is a normal human. "AUTOMATIC PILOT" is
flashing.
The phone starts ringing.
LONE STARR (wakes up) Barf. Barf.
Barf!
BARF Huh?
LONE STARR(O.S) Barf!
BARF Always when I'm
eating.
BARF puts down the ice cream, and picks up
some
Milkbones.
LONE STARR Barf!
BARF What can I do you for,
boss?
LONE STARR Where ya been?
BARF Oh, just grabbin' myself a
snack. You want
some? (offers a Milkbone to Lone Starr)
LONE STARR
No!
BARF C'mon. A little hair on the dot.
LONE STARR Answer that
for me. Will ya?
BARF Ah, sure. (hits Lone Starr with his
tail)
LONE STARR Will you watch that thing?
BARF Oh, sorry. I'll
just put it on audio. That
way they won't see ya. (hits the video switch)
Yello.
VINNIE appears on the screen. VINNIE is a half
robot, half
man.
VINNIE Hello, Lone Starr.
BARF Sorry, wrong
switch.
LONE STARR Hello, Vinnie, what do you want?
VINNIE No, no,
no, no, no. It's not what I want.
It's what he wants.
BARF &
LONE STARR Pizza the Hut.
PIZZA THE HUT is half man, half
pizza.
PIZZA Well, if it isn't Lone Starr, and his side
kick,
Puke.
BARF That's Barf.
PIZZA Barf, Puke, whatever. Where's my
money?
LONE STARR Don't worry, Pizza. You'll have it
by next
week.
PIZZA No, no. I gotta have it by tomorrow.
LONE STARR A
hundred thousand spacebucks, by tomorrow?
PIZZA A hundred thousand? Ha,
ha, ha. No way.
You forgot late charges, which brings it up to, um, one
million spacebucks.
LONE STARR A million? That's unfair.
PIZZA
Unfair to pay all, but enough to pay eee,
but you gonna pay it, or
else.
BARF Or else what?
PIZZA Tell 'em, Vinnie.
VINNIE Or
else Pizza is gonna send out for you.
VINNIE & PIZZA
(laughs)
VINNIE takes a lick off of Pizza.
VINNIE Mmmm. You're
delicious.
PIZZA Chow, boys.
INT. VESPA'S CAR - SPACE VESPA is
listening to
music in headphones.
DOT Can we talk? Okay, we all know
Prince Valium
is pilled, but you could've married him for your father's sake,
and have
a headache for the next 25 years.
VESPA can't hear
her.
DOT Will you turn that thing off.
VESPA What? (takes off the
headphones) What is
it?
DOT I was saying, do realize what you've
done.
VESPA Yes, and I'm glad. Glad, glad, glad, glad,
glad. (puts the
headphones back on)
DOT I wonder if she's glad.
SPACEBALL CITY -
INT. PRESIDENT SKROOB'S OFFICE
- NIGHT SKROOB is talking to someone on the
phone.
SKROOB Don't be ridiculous. As president of Planet
Spaceball, I
can assure both you and your viewers, that there is absolutely
no air
shortage whatsoever. Yes, of course, I've heard the same rumor myself.
Thanks
for calling, and not reversing the charges. Bye. (hangs up
phone)
Shithead.
He opens a desk drawer. It has a lot of cans
in
it. He takes one and opens it. The can says, "Perrier Salt-Free
Air."
He starts breathing the air.
COMMANDERETTE (appears on
the wall) President
Skroob.
SKROOB (throws can behind him and closes
the drawer)
Yes.
COMMANDERETTE This is Central Control,
Spaceball
Commanderette Zarican speaking, sir.
SKROOB Yes, what is it
Commanderette?
COMMANDERETTE Lord Helmet has informed us that
Princess
Vespa is in sight, and Spaceball 1 is closing in on her.
SKROOB Good,
good.
COMMANDERETTE We have both ships coming up on
the teledar, sir,
if you wish to observe.
SKROOB I'll be down
immediately.
COMMANDERETTE Shall I have Snotty beam you down?
SKROOB I
don't about that beaming stuff. Is it safe?
COMMANDERETTE Oh yes, sir.
Snotty beamed me twice
last night. It was wonderful.
SKROOB All right,
I take a shot at it. What the
hell, it works on Star Trek. (steps into the
beaming pod)
COMMANDERETTE Snotty, beam him down.
SNOTTY (O.S.)
Yes, sir. Immediately, sir.
SKROOB beams out of his office.
INT.
CENTRAL CONTROL - NIGHT SKROOB reappears.
His head is on
backwards.
VOICE(O.S.) Gees feesetes, what's happened to
his
head?
COMMANDERETTE It's on backwards.
SKROOB This is terrible. Do
something.
SNOTTY I'm sorry, sir. There must have been
a
microconverter malfunction.
SKROOB (lifts up the tail on his suit)
Why didn't
somebody tell me ass was so big.
Everyone else looks and
snickers.
SNOTTY Hold on, sir. We'll try and reverse the
beam. Could
be the interlocking system.
SKROOB scratches his leg.
SNOTTY
(flipping switches) Lock 1, Lock 2, Lock
3, Lock lone.
SKROOB beams
out.
INT. PRESIDENT SKROOB'S OFFICE - NIGHT SKROOB
reappears, back to
normal. COMMANDERETTE appears on the wall.
COMMANDERETTE Are you all
right, Mr. President.
SKROOB Fine, fine, no thanks to
you.
COMMANDERETTE We'll beam you back, sir.
SKROOB Forget it.
Forget it. No more beaming.
This time I'm gonna walk. (walks through the
door)
INT. CENTRAL CONTROL - NIGHT
COMMANDERETTE President Skroob,
Salute.
ALL (salute) Hail Skroob!
SKROOB salutes.
CHARLENE
& MARLENE Hello, President Skroob.
SKROOB Oh, uh. Hello,
Charlene.
MARLENE I'm Marlene.
SKROOB Hello,
Marlene.
CHARLENE I'm Charlene.
SKROOB Chew your gum. Where's the
Princess.
COMMANDERETTE Right there, sir. On the left side
of the
screen of the screen, approaching Spaceball 1, at fifteen hundred
light
leagues per minute.
SKROOB Good, good. She almost in our grasp.
Tell
Dark Helmet he must take the Princess alive.
EXT. SPACEBALL 1 -
SPACE In front of Spaceball
1 is Vespa's car.
INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE
SANDURZ and HELMET are
standing in the front.
SANDURZ Princess Vespa's
spaceship within range,
sir.
HELMET (mask down) Good. Fire a warning
shot across
her nose.
Guns start firing.
INT. VESPA'S CAR -
SPACE VESPA takes off the headphones.
The car is shaking.
VESPA What's
going on?
DOT It either the 4th of July, or someone trying
to kill
us.
VESPA Hey! I don't have to put up with this. I'm
rich. (picks up
phone)
DOT What you doing?
VESPA I'm calling my father.
1-800-DRUIDIA. (dials
the phone)
INT. SPACEBALL 1 -
SPACE
HELMET (lifts up mask) Careful, you idiot. I said
across her
nose, not up it.
GUNNER (lifts up eye guard) Sorry, sir. (he
is
cross-eyed) Doing my best.
HELMET Who made that man a
gunner?
MAJOR I did, sir. He's my cousin. (he is
cross-eyed,
too)
HELMET Who is he?
SANDURZ He's an Asshole,
sir.
HELMET I know that. What's his name?
SANDURZ That is his
name, sir. Asshole, Major
Asshole.
HELMET And his
cousin?
SANDURZ He's an Asshole, too, sir. Gunner's-mate,
1st Class,
Philip Asshole.
HELMET How many Assholes we got on this
ship,
anyhow?
All, but few, stand up.
ALL Yo!
HELMET I
knew it. I'm surrounded by Assholes.
(pulls down mask) Keep firing,
Assholes.
INT. VESPA'S CAR - CAR VESPA is on the phone.
VESPA
Hurry, Daddy, hurry. They're laser blasts
all around us. I'm so
scared.
EXT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
ROLAND'S VOICE King Roland to Lone
Starr. King
Roland to Lone Starr. Are you there?
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
LONE STARR and BARF are talking
to ROLAND on the phone.
ROLAND Lone
Starr, you've got to help me. Please,
save my daughter. She's being attacked
by Spaceballs.
LONE STARR Spaceballs? Forget it. Too
dangerous.
Besides, I'm already numero uno on Dark Helmet's hit
list.
BARF Look, your highness, it's not that we're
afraid. Far from
it. It's just we got this thing about them. It's not us.
ROLAND Please,
you must. You're the only ones
who can save her. I'll give anything. Did you
her me? Anything.
BARF Anything?
ROLAND Yes! Anything!
LONE
STARR Okay, we'll do it for a million.
ROLAND A million?
BARF
Whoa, you startin' to fade here. We're losing
picture, your
highness.
ROLAND All right, all right, I'll pay it. Only
find her,
save her.
LONE STARR All right, King, you just made a deal.
BARF
One princess for one million spacebucks.
LONE STARR What's she drivin'?
ROLAND A brand new, white Mercedes, 2001 SEL Limited
Edition.
Moon roof, all leather interior. I got it at a very good price.
I paid cash.
My cousin, Prince Murray, has a dealership in the valley.
He was very nice to
me.
LONE STARR We get the idea. Where was she last
seen.
ROLAND
She was just passing Jupiter 2.
LONE STARR We'll find her.
ROLAND
Please, bring her back safely. And, if
it's all possible, try to save the
car. (disappears off T.V.)
BARF One million spacebucks. We'll be able
to
pay off Pizza the Hut.
LONE STARR Gimmie paw.
BOTH (hawl
like a dog) Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
INT. VESPA'S CAR - SPACE Spaceball 1
fires their
magnetic beam at Vespa's car.
VESPA What's happening?
What's that glow? We're
not moving.
DOT Oh, we're moving all right,
backwards.
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
LONE STARR Look, there's our
princess. She's got
company.
BARF Oh, no, Spaceballs. And they've
already got
her in their magnetic beam. Oh, well, we're too late. What a
shame. I'll
just throw her in reverse, and we'll get outta here. (reaches for
the reverse
switch)
LONE STARR (stops him) Barf. No. Bad.
BARF
Oh, what are we doing risking our lives for
a runaway princess? I know we
need the money...
LONE STARR Listen. We're not just doing this
for
money. We're doing it for a shit load of money!
BARF Oh, you're
right, and when you're right,
you're right, and you, you're always right.
Okay, we save her, but how?
The minute we move in there, they're spot us on
their radar.
LONE STARR Uh-uh.
BARF Uh-huh.
LONE STARR
Uh-uh.
BARF Uh-huh.
LONE STARR Uh-uh, not if we jam
it.
BARF Ah, ha! You're right.
LONE STARR Down scope.
BARF
Down scope.
The scope comes down. BARF looks through the scope
and
focuses on the radar.
BARF Radar, about to be jammed.
Jam comes
flying and crashes the radar.
INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE The radar is
screwing
up. The RADAR TECHNICIAN is trying to figure out the
problem.
RADAR TECH. (he is making the sound effects) Shit.
(makes
more sound effects and dials phone) Sir? (in microphone)
SANDURZ What is
it?
RADAR TECH. (O.S.) (in microphone) Can I talk
to for a minute,
please, sir.
SANDURZ & HELMET (walk over to him)
SANDURZ
Well.
RADAR TECH. (in microphone) I'm having trouble
with the radar,
sir.
SANDURZ You don't need that, Private, we're right
here. (hangs up
microphone) Now, what is it?
RADAR TECH. (in microphone voice) I'm having
trouble
with radar, sir.
HELMET (rips out the microphone-mask up)
Now,
what is it?
RADAR TECH. I'm having trouble with the
radar,
sir.
HELMET What's wrong with it?
RADAR TECH. I've lost
the bleeps, I've the lost
the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps.
HELMET
The what?
SANDURZ The what?
HELMET And the what?
RADAR
TECH. You know. The bleeps, (makes bleeps
sounds) the sweeps, (makes sweeps
sounds) and the creeps. (makes creeps
sounds)
HELMET (to Sandurz)
That's not he's lost.
RADAR TECH. Sir. The radar, sir. It appears
to
be....
Jam starts dripping down the screen.
RADAR TECH.
....jammed.
HELMET Jammed? (takes a taste of the jam)
Raspberry.
There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry. (pulls
down
mask) Lone Starr!
CAMERA hits HELMET. HELMET falls
backwards.
INT. VESPA'S CAR - SPACE Eagle 5 comes in on top
of Vespa's
car. There's a thump on the car.
VESPA What was that?
BARF knocks
on the door.
DOT Nevermind that. What was that?
The roof opens
revealing BARF smiling.
VESPA & DOT Ah.
BARF
Hi.
VESPA Who are you?
BARF Barf.
DOT Not in here, mister.
This is a Mercedes.
BARF Na, that's my name. Barf.
VESPA Barf?
What are you?
BARF I'm a mog. Half-man, half-dog. I'm my own
best
friend.
VESPA What do you want?
BARF Your father hired Captain
Lone Starr and
me to save ya. C'mon , we gotta hop up this ladder and get
outta here.
DOT Go, hurry, quick, darling, follow the dog.
BARF
Mog. I'm a mog.
VESPA Wait. What about my matched luggage?
BARF
starts whimpering.
EXT. EAGLE 5 - LADDER - SPACE VESPA is climbing
up,
followed by DOT, then BARF with a load of luggage.
DOT Hey. Stop looking
up my can.
BARF Sorry.
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE LONE STARR looks back
at
BARF. BARF still has a load of luggage on him.
LONE STARR Checking
in? What the hell is all that?
BARF (with strap in mouth) It's her royal
highness's
matched luggage.
LONE STARR(O.S.) What?
BARF (takes
strap out of mouth) Her royal highness's
matched luggage.
LONE STARR
Matched luggage, huh? What's she think
this is....
BARF hits him with
tail.
LONE STARR ....a princess cruise.
BARF Well, she wouldn't go
without it.
LONE STARR Oh, yeah? (picks up microphone)
BARF hits
him again.
LONE STARR (in microphone) Now hear this, as soon
as we get
outta hear, the first thing we do is dump the matched luggage.
DOT What
was that?
VESPA (turns on intercom) Now you hear this, whoever
you
are, you will not touch that luggage, and furthermore, I want this
pig-sty
cleaned up. I will not be rescued in such filth.
LONE STARR (in
microphone) Listen. On this ship,
I don't take orders, I give 'em. This is my
dream boat, sweetheart.
VESPA Sweetheart?
DOT Uh-oh.
VESPA
How dare you speak to me that way. You will
address me in the proper manner
as your royal highness. I am Princess Vespa,
daughter of Roland, King of the
Druids.
LONE STARROh. That's all we needed, a
Drewish
princess.
BARF Funny. She doesn't look Drewish.
INT.
SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE Vespa's car is coming
through the floor. SANDURZ and
HELMET come in.
HELMET (mask down) Now, we will show her who is
in
charge of this galaxy. GUARD cocks weapon.
HELMET Hold it. I'll handle
this personally.
GUARD Ya-ho, Lord Helmet.
HELMET (looks at him)
So, Princess Vespa, you
thought you could outwit the imperious forces of
Planet Spaceball. Well,
you were wrong. You are now our prisoner, and you
will held hostage until
such time, as all of the air is transferred from your
planet to ours.
HELMET opens the door and looks inside. He lifts
his
mask up.
HELMET (mask up) She's not in there.
ALL drop guns and
cover their crouch.
VOICE (O.S.) Radar repaired, sir. We're picking
up
the outline of a Winnebago.
HELMET Winnebago? Lone Starr. Lone
Starr!
HELMET bangs on the car. The door falls on him,
pushing him
inside.
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE Spaceball 1 is coming on
the
radar.
LONE STARR Uh-oh. Here comes the the bad
year
blimp.
BARF We'd better get outta here in a hurry.
LONE
STARR Switch to secret hyperjets.
BARF Switching to secret
hyperjets.
LONE STARR (in microphone) Buckle up back there,
we're
going into hyperactive.
INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE HELMET and SANDURZ
are
standing in front. EAGLE 5 is in front of them.
SANDURZ We're
closing in on them, sir. In less
than minute, Lone Starr will be
ours.
HELMET (mask down) Good. Prepare to attack.
SANDURZ Prepare
to attack.
HELMET On the count of three. One, two....
Eagle 5
takes off into hyperactive.
HELMET Wait. (lifts up mask) What happened?
Where
are they?
SANDURZ I don't know, sir. They must have
hyperjets
on that thing.
HELMET And what have we got on this thing a
quezinart.
SANDURZ No, sir.
HELMET Well, find them catch
them.
SANDURZ Yes, sir. (over loudspeaker) Prepare ship
for light
speed.
HELMET No, no, no, light speed is too slow.
SANDURZ Light
speed, too slow?
HELMET Yes, we're gonna have to go right to
ludicrous
speed.
ALL gasp.
. SANDURZ (gasp) Ludicrous speed?
Sir, we've never
gone that fast before. I don't know if this ship can take
it.
HELMET What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz, chicken?
SANDURZ
(in high pitch) Prepare ship, (back to
normal) prepare ship for ludicrous
speed. Fasten all seat belts, seal all
entrances and exits, close all shops
in the mall, cancel the 3-ring circus,
secure all animals in the
zoo....
HELMET (takes the microphone) Gimme that you peddy
excuse for
an officer.
SANDURZ sits in his seat and buckles up.
HELMET (in
microphone) Now hear this, ludicrous
speed....
SANDURZ Sir, hadn't you
better buckle up.
HELMET Aah, buckle this. (in microphone)
Ludicrous
speed, Go!
The ship takes off. The display lights up:
Light
Speed, Ridiculous Speed, and then Ludicrous Speed. Helmet is being
pulled
back.
HELMET Whoaaa! What have I done? My brains are
going
into my feet.
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE Spaceball 1 passes over
them
leaving a plaid shadow.
BARF What the hell was that?
LONE
STARR Spaceball 1.
BARF They've gone to plaid.
INT. SPACEBALL 1 -
SPACE
HELMET We passed them. Stop this thing.
SANDURZ We can't
stop. It's too dangerous. We
have to slow down first.
HELMET Bullshit.
Just stop this thing. I order
you. Stooooop!
SANDURZ pulls on
emergency brake which reads,
"Emergency Stop, never use."
The ship stops and HELMET goes flying
into a panel.
SANDURZ (picks
Helmet up) Are you all right, sir?
HELMET Fine. How've you
been?
SANDURZ Fine, sir.
HELMET Good.
SANDURZ It's a good
thing you were wearing that
helmet.
HELMET Yeah.
SANDURZ What
should we do now, sir?
HELMET Well, are we stopped?
SANDURZ We're
stopped, sir.
HELMET Good. Well, why don't we take a five
minute
break.
SANDURZ Very good, sir.
HELMET Smoke if you got
'em. (falls forward)
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
LONE STARR Take her out
of hyperactive. BARF Takin'
her out of hyperactive. (pulls down switch) Ah,
congrads, boss, we did
it. They must of overshot us by a week and a
half.
LONE STARR (laughs) Okay, let's set a course
for
Druidia.
BARF Settin' a course for (Eagle 5 starts
shaking)
Drui, ie, ie, ie.
LONE STARR What's that?
BARF I don't
know. I don't know. We're losing
power. Why? 'Cause we're outta
gas.
LONE STARR We must've burned it up in hyperactive.
BARF I
told you we should've put more that five
bucks worth in.
LONE STARR
Okay, we'll have to set her down. Prepare
for emergency landing. Quick, give
me a reading.
BARF (prays) How, oh Father, be in heaven. Thou
will be
Thy name, by kingdom come....
LONE STARR Will you stop that? (in
microphone)
Keep your seat belts fastened back there. You okay,
princess.
VESPA No, you idiot. Where'd you learn how
to
fly.
LONE STARR Okay, Eagle 5, coming in.
MOON OF VEGA -
EXT. EAGLE 5 - DESERT - DAY Eagle
5 starts coming down on the sands of Vega.
INT. EAGLE 5 - DESERT - DAY
BARF is panicing.
BARF Ahh. Left, right, I
mean right. Pull up,
pull up.
They crash on a sand dune.
VESPA
gets up.
DOT Where you going?
VESPA I'm going to tell him off once
and for all.
DOT Wwwwwwwait. We'll need him to get us
outta
here.
LONE STARR Called me an idiot? I'm going back
there and
explain a few things to her.
DOT Besides, he's gotta a sexy voice. He
might
be cute.
BARF Yeah, but, you don't know what she
looks
like.
LONE STARR I know what she looks like. If you've
seen
one princess, you've seen 'em all.
VESPA Cute? I know these space bums.
They're all
alike. Fat, ugly....
LONE STARR Bucked-toothed,
knocked-knees....
VESPA ....bear-swilling, pigs.
LONE STARR
....horse-faced, space dogs. (gets
up and goes to the back)
BARF Yeah,
well, I normally I'd, (gets up with
seat belt still on) ow, that's gonna
leave a mark.
VESPA Now listen you....
LONE STARR You
listen. On this ship, you're to
refer to me as idiot not you captain. I mean,
you know what I mean.
VESPA And you will not call me you. You will
never
address me as you. You will call me your royal highness.
LONE
STARR You are royal pain in the....
BARF Whoa, hold it, time.
LONE
STARR & VESPA What?
BARF May I make a small suggestion? Any
minute
now, Spaceballs is gonna make a major U-turn, head back this way, and
make
us all dead.
LONE STARR He's right. Let's go.
VESPA Wait.
My things.
LONE STARR Listen, you royal....
VESPA
Mmmm.
LONE STARR ....highness. Take only what need
to
survive.
BARF Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.
DESERT - DAY VESPA is walking
down with an umbrella.
DOT is following her with a cart. LONE STARR and BARF
are following with
a trunk.
DOT Please, slow down. I'm getting sand up
my
gears.
BARF Gees. I hope she didn't forget anything.
LONE
STARR All right, wait a minute, Barf, put
it down. What the hell's in this
thing. LONE STARR opens the trunk and
pulls out a huge hair
dryer.
LONE STARR What's this? I said take only what
you need to
survive.
VESPA It's my industrial strength hair dryer,
and I can't
live without it.
LONE STARR Okay, princess. That's it. The
fairy-tale
is over. Welcome to real-life. You want this hot-air machine, you
carry
it. (drops it in the sand)
VESPA You pick that up.
LONE
STARR You pick that up.
VESPA How dare you, you insolent peasant.
Nobody
talks to me that way. Nobody. Nobody. (echoes)
LONE STARR Well,
what have we got here? Will you
look at her.
BARF Oooooo.
LONE
STARR Those flashy eyes. Those flushy cheeks.
Those trembling lips. You know
something princess, you are ugly when you're
angry.
DOT
Uh-oh.
VESPA That's it. You and your dog are f....
BARF Please,
please. Total humans, droids, if
I may. It's going to be very dark soon, so I
suggest we find a place to
camp for the night.
DOT Come
darling.
DOT and VESPA walk away pulling some luggage.
LONE STARR and
BARF walk off with the trunk. They leave the hair dryer
behind. LONE STARR
See, it's lighter.
BARF Oh yeah. This is best. I could carry two
of
three of these.
INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE HELMET, SANDURZ, and
CORPORAL
are watching the radar.
HELMET (mask down) Have you found them
yet?
CORPORAL No, Lord Helmet. They're still not on
the
scanners.
HELMET Well, keep looking for them. (drinks coffee
through
his mask)
SANDURZ Pardon me, sir. I have an idea. Corporal,
get me the
video cassette of Spaceballs-the Movie.
CORPORAL Yes,
sir.
CORPORAL walks to a wall labeled, "Mr.
Rental."
The wall opens. He looks through the
selections.
HELMET Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with
you,
please?
SANDURZ Yes, sir.
HELMET (lifts up mask) How could
there be a cassette
of Spaceballs-the Movie. We're still in the middle of
making it.
SANDURZ That's true, sir, but there's been a
new
breakthrough in home-video marketing.
HELMET There
has?
SANDURZ Yes. Instant cassettes. They're out in
stores before the
movie is finished.
HELMET Naaaaa.
CORPORAL Here it is, sir.
Spaceballs.
SANDURZ Good work, Corporal. Punch it up.
CORPORAL
starts the tape. It starts on the FBI
Warning.
SANDURZ Started much
too early. Prepare to fast-forward.
CORPORAL Preparing to
fast-forward.
SANDURZ Fast-forward.
CORPORAL Fast-forwarding,
sir.
Starts fast-forwarding through the ludicrous speed
scene. Helmet
is thrown into the panel at a high-speed.
HELMET Nnnnno. Go past this,
past this part. In
fact, never play this again.
SANDURZ Try here.
Stop.
The movie stops at the exact same thing that is
actually
happening now. HELMET looks at the camera, then he turns back
to the monitor.
SANDURZ looks at the camera when HELMET looks back at the
monitor, then he
looks back at the monitor. HELMET looks at the camera
when SANDURZ looks back
at the monitor. When HELMET turns back, he waves
his hand. He turns back to
the camera.
HELMET What the hell am I looking at? When does
this
happen in the movie?
SANDURZ Now. You're looking at now, sir.
Everything
that happens now, is happening now.
HELMET What happened to
then?
SANDURZ We passed then?
HELMET When?
SANDURZ Just
now. We're at now, now.
HELMET Go back to then.
SANDURZ
When?
HELMET Now.
SANDURZ Now?
HELMET Now.
SANDURZ I
can't.
HELMET Why?
SANDURZ We missed it.
HELMET
When?
SANDURZ Just now.
HELMET When will then be
now?
CORPORAL rewinds the tape. He stops at the point
when LONE STARR,
BARF, VESPA, and DOT are walking through the desert.
SANDURZ
Soon.
HELMET How soon?
CORPORAL Sir.
HELMET
What?
CORPORAL We've identified their location.
HELMET
Where?
CORPORAL It's the Moon of Vega.
SANDURZ Good
work. Set a course, and prepare for
our arrival.
HELMET
When?
CORPORAL Nineteen-hundred hours, sir.
SANDURZ By high-noon,
tomorrow, they will be our
prisoners.
HELMET Hoooooo. (mask falls
down)
DESERT - NIGHT DOT is sleeping with a light going
that says,
"Sleep Mode." VESPA is cold and trying to keep warm.
LONE
STARR offers her his coat.
VESPA No thank you. I'm perfectly all
right.
LONE STARR Take it. It's freezing (puts the jacket
on
her)
VESPA If you insist. (smells the alcohol on the
coat) Won't you
be cold?
LONE STARR Na, cold never bothers me.
VESPA I can't seem
to find Druidia.
LONE STARR It's right there.
VESPA
Where?
LONE STARR Right there. (points to a blue star)
It's that
bright, blue one, right there. See?
VESPA Oh, yeah. But it's so far
away.
LONE STARR Don't worry. I'll get ya there.
VESPA Which one's
yours?
LONE STARR Who knows.
VESPA You don't know where your
from?
LONE STARR Not really. I was found on the doorstep
of a
monastery.
VESPA Monastery? Where?
LONE STARR Somewhere in the
Ford Galaxy.
VESPA Well, didn't the monks tell you who
your
parents?
LONE STARR They couldn't. They took a vowel
of
silence. All I got was this.
He pulls a medallion out from his
shirt. It has
some type of writing. LONE STARR It was around my
neck.
VESPA What is it?
LONE STARR I don't know. I've taken it to
every
wise man in the universe. No one can tell me what it
means.
VESPA It's beautiful. You know I.... It's beautiful.
LONE
STARR puts the medallion back in his shirt.
LONE STARR So, how come you
ran away from your
wedding?
VESPA Well, if you must know, I wasn't in
love
with the groom.
LONE STARR Why were you gonna marry
him?
VESPA Because, I'm a princess, and I have to marry
a prince. LONE
STARR Ah, and he doesn't do it for you, huh?
VESPA No, he doesn't do it
for me. I really must
go back. I shouldn't have run away. I realize, now,
that love is one luxury
a princess cannot afford.
LONE STARR You're
probably right.
VESPA I know, now, that I must live without
love.
LONE STARR I guess so.
VESPA Besides, love isn't that
important.
LONE STARR Naaa, never was.
VESPA I could be perfectly
happy the rest of my
life without love. (looks at him)
LONE STARR Sure
you could.
VESPA Without physical contact.
LONE STARR
Yeah.
VESPA Without being held. (moves closer to him)
LONE STARR Yeah.
(moves in closer)
VESPA Or kissed.
VESPA and LONE STARR are about
to kiss when an
alarm starts going off. DOT'S Virgin Alarm is going
off.
BARF (wakes up) Abandon ship. Abandon ship. Women
and mogs
first.
DOT walks over to VESPA and LONE STARR. DOT We'll
have none of
that, mister. (to Vespa) How far did he get? Where'd he touch?
Where'd he
touch?
VESPA Nothing happened.
LONE STARR What the hell was that
noise?
DOT That was my Virgin Alarm. It's programmed
to go off before
you do. You get back to bed, miss. And as for you, sex-fiend....
LONE
STARR All right. All right. Let's all get
some sleep. We gotta get moving
before dawn.
BARF Why so early?
LONE STARR Because, we're in the
middle of the
desert, and we're not gonna get far once that blazing sun gets
overhead.
DISSOLVE TO: A blazing sun.
BARF'S VOICE Nice
dissolve.
DESERT - MORNING LONE STARR is walking, followed
by BARF,
DOT, then VESPA. They are all getting tired.
LONE STARR Water,
water.
BARF (panting) Water.
DOT Oil, oil. VEPSA Room service,
room service.
DISSOLVE TO: A blazing sun.
DESERT - DAY LONE STARR
is carrying VESPA. BARF
is carrying DOT. VESPA and DOT are asleep. BARF and
LONE STARR are really
tired.
BARF I can't, I can't, I can't go, I
can't go
any further. I can't go any further.
LONE STARR Just one more
dune to go.
BARF Nope. you said that three dunes ago. I got
no more
left. Oh, waiter, check please. (falls down)
LONE STARR Must go on. Must
go on. Must go on.
Who am I kidding. (drops Vespa then falls down)
The
DINKS walk on the screen. They are short people
with gold-brownish
skin.
DINKS (sing) Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink,
dink, dink,
dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink,
dink,
dink....
DINKS see LONE STARR, VESPA, BARF, and DOT lying
on the
ground. They go to their aid.
HEAD DINK Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink,
dink.
DINKS split up and start giving water and oil
to VESPA, LONE
STARR, BARF, and DOT.
DINK (with Barf) Dink, dink, dink, dink,
dink.
Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink.
BARF'S TAIL starts
wagging.
DINK Dink, dink, dink, dink.
BARF Oh, thanks little guy.
(starts lapping the
water)
LONE STARR Thank you.
DINKS Dink,
dink, dink.
LONE STARR Did I miss something? When did we get
to
Disneyland?
LONE STARR, VESPA, DOT, and BARF are being led
by the
DINKS to somewhere.
DINKS (sing) Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink,
dink,
dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink,
dink,
dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink,
dink,
dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink.
DESERT -
HELMET'S CRUISER - DAY HELMET and SANDURZ
are in a cruiser. HELMET is
standing up, looking though binoculars. He
has different type of uniform with
a different type of helmet.
HELMET (mask on) I don't see them,
Sandurz.
SANDURZ I've sent the troops on up to Vector
78,
sir.
HELMET Good. Let's get moving.
SANDURZ Yes, sir.
Driver, prepare to move out.
HELMET What are you preparing. You're always
preparing.
Just go!
SANDURZ Just go.
DRIVER Yes,
sir.
SANDURZ Sir, shouldn't you sit down.
The cruiser takes off,
and HELMET is thrown in
his seat.
EXT. TEMPLE - DAY The DINKS are
opening a secret
door in the sand, and lead LONE STARR, BARF, VESPA, and DOT
inside. They
walk down a set of stairs.
INT. TEMPLE - DAY
DINKS
Dink, dink, dink. Dink, dink, dink.
BARF What are they
sayin'?
VESPA Well, it's obvious they want us to go
with
them.
They start walking down a tunnel with a huge statue
at
the end.
VESPA What is this place?
BARF It looks like the Temple
of Doom.
DOT Sure ain't Temple Bethresel.
LONE STARR C'mon. I
think we'd better follow 'em.
Steam starts coming out of the ears of the
statue.
BARF Ah-oh. I think we woke it up.
DOT Goodbye, folks.
(turns around and starts running
to the door) Let me know how it turns
out.
VESPA Comeback here, Dot. We need you.
LONE STARR C'mon, we
gotta keep going.
VESPA What's gonna happen now?
LONE STARR Don't
ask, maybe it won't.
BARF Well, what if it does? I don't about
know
about you, but I'm all for leaving. I think we oughtta get outta
here....
Fire comes out of the statue's eyes.
LONE STARR, VESPA,
DOT, & BARF Wow!
YOGURT'S VOICE Silence! Who dares enter the
sacred
and awesome presence of the everlasting know-it-all,
Yogurt.
LONE STARR, VESPA, DOT, & BARF Yogurt?
The bottom
of the statue opens up. A small man
about 3 feet tall comes
out.
YOGURT You heard of me?
LONE STARR Heard of ya? Who hasn't of
Yogurt?
VESPA Yogurt, the wise.
DOT Yogurt, the all powerful. BARF
Yogurt, the
magnificent.
YOGURT Please, please, don't make a fuse.
I'm
just plain Yogurt.
LONE STARR But you're the one....
YOGURT
Yes. I am the keeper of a greater magic.
A power known throughout the
universe, known as....
BARF The force?
YOGURT No. The
Schwartz.
LONE STARR, VESPA, DOT, & BARF The
Schwartz?
YOGURT Yes. The Schwartz.
He holds his Schwartz ring.
His is different than
the ring HELMET has.
LONE STARR But, Yogurt,
what is this place? What
is that you do here?
YOGURT
Merchandising.
BARF Merchandising? What's that?
YOGURT
Merchandising. Come. I'll show. Open up
this door.
DINKS open a slab
in the wall. In it, is a whole
bunch of "Spaceballs - The
Movie" merchandise.
YOGURT Ha, ha, ha, come. Walk this way. Take
a
look. We put the pictures name on everything. Merchandising.
Merchandising.
Where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs-the
T-shirt, Spaceballs-the
Coloring Book, Spaceballs-the Lunch box,
Spaceballs-the Breakfast Cereal,
Spaceballs-the Flame Thrower. (turns it
on)
DINKS Ooooooo.
YOGURT The kids love this one. Last, but not
least,
Spaceballs - the Doll. (hold up a doll of himself) Me. (pulls on the
string)
YOGURT DOLL May the Schwartz be with you.
DINKS giggle.
YOGURT Adorable.
SPACEBALL CITY - INT. SKROOB'S BEDROOM -
NIGHT
MARLENE & CHARLENE are in Skroob's bed. SKROOB is under
"Spaceballs
- the Sheet" fondling the twins. MARLENE
& CHARLENE Wew, wew,
wew, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ohh,
weeew....
COMMANDERETTE appears on the wall.
COMMANDERETTE
President Skroob.
MARLENE & CHARLENE hide under the sheet.
SKROOB
comes out from under the sheet. He is holding a book
upside-down.
SKROOB What is it? COMMANDERETTE I have an urgent
message
from Lord Helmet. He's lost the princess.
SKROOB
Where?
COMMANDERETTE Somewhere on the sands of Vega.
SKROOB Tell
him to comb the desert. Do you hear
me? Comb the desert.
COMMANDERETTE
Yes, sir.
MOON OF VEGA - DESERT - DAY Six guards are moving
large
combs across the desert. HELMET and SANDURZ are in the cruiser.
SANDURZ
Sir.
HELMET (mask off; in bullhorn) What?
SANDURZ Are we being too
literal.
HELMET (in bullhorn) No, you fool. We're following
orders. We
were told to comb the desert, so we're combing it.
HELMET puts down the
bullhorn and shouts to the
troopers.
HELMET (shouts) Found anything
yet?
TROOPER WITH COMB Nothing yet, sir. HELMET (shouts)
How about
you?
TROOPER WITH 2ND COMB Not a thing, sir.
HELMET (shouts) What
about you guys?
TROOPER WITH MINI COMB We ain't found shit.
INT.
TEMPLE - DAY YOGURT and LONE STARR are standing
in front the big statue. LONE
STARR is showing YOGURT his medallion.
LONE STARR It's a big mystery.
None of the wise
men can tell me what it means.
YOGURT Wise men, pa
sha. Wise guys, you mean.
What do they know. Here, let me take a look. (he
takes the medallion) Whuck,
whuck, munuck, munck, muck, muck.
LONE
STARR You can read it?
YOGURT No, I was just clearing my throat.
Here,
let me take look at this. Ohh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, of
course.
LONE STARR You understand it?
YOGURT Yes.
LONE
STARR What's it say?
YOGURT I cannot tell you that now. It will
be
revealed to you at the proper time.
LONE STARR Great. (puts the
medallion back in
his shirt)
YOGURT C'mon, don't be disappointed. Back
to your
Schwartz training. Here, take the ring. Point it at that big
statue.
LONE STARR (puts the ring on) Okay, but I still
don't
understand how I'm going to lift that big statue with this
little
ring.
YOGURT Never underestimate the power of the
Schwartz.
LONE STARR points the ring to statue.
YOGURT C'mon,
concentrate. Ooghuh, ooghugh. ooghuh.
The statue starts lifting off the
ground.
YOGURT Lone Starr, you're doing it. You're doing
it.
(laughs)
LONE STARR I can't believe it. The Schwartz,
it's
working.
BARF walks by the statue and puts his foot
under
it.
BARF Hey, boss, how'd you do that?
LONE STARR puts
the ring down. The statue falls
on Barf's toe.
BARF Whaoooooooooooooo!
Whao, whao, whao, ahhhh,
who, who, whooo. . . .
YOGURT Gimme the ring.
Gimmie the ring.
YOGURT takes the ring from LONE STARR. He points
it
at the big statue. YOGURT Upsidasi, upsimasi, upsidaisy.
The statue lifts
up, and BARF lifts his foot out.
It is big and flat. BARF Owwwwwww,
ooooooooooohohoooooo, ooooooo....
LONE STARR Sorry, Barf.
BARF
(growls) Oooooooooooooohohooooooo, oooooooooooohohooooooo.
EXT. TEMPLE -
NIGHT HELMET is standing next to
the secret door. He can't see because it is
covered in sand. SANDURZ is
telling the troops what to do.
SANDURZ
Keep searching. (to Helmet) It's no use
use, sir. We've searched
everywhere.
HELMET (mask off) Wait. I feel the presence of
the
Schwartz.
SANDURZ The Schwartz?
HELMET Yes. It's coming.... (gets
his ring out
of his pocket and puts it on)
SANDURZ covers his
crouch.
HELMET ....from somewhere down....there.
SANDURZ (bushes
away the sand) You're right, sir.
There's a secret entrance here. And look at
this insignia, it's a Y.
HELMET Yogurt. Yogurt. I hate Yogurt. Even
with
strawberries.
SANDURZ I'll call the attack squad,
sir.
HELMET No, we can't go in there. Yogurt has the
Schwartz. It's
far too powerful.
SANDURZ But, sir, your ring. Don't you have
the
Schwartz, too?
HELMET No, he got the up-side. I got the
down-side.
You see, there's two kinds of every Schwartz.
SANDURZ Well,
how are we gonna go in there and
get her?
HELMET (flips his mask on)
We will not go in there.
She will come out to us. (holds up his
ring)
INT. TEMPLE - NIGHT VESPA is sleeping in a bed
surrounded by
candles. DOT is in Sleep Mode.
ROLAND'S VOICE Vespa. Vespa, my child.
Where are
you?
VESPA (wakes up) Daddy?
ROLAND'S VOICE Vespa,
it's your father, King Roland.
Come to me.
VESPA Daddy. Daddy, I hear
you. I hear you. Where
are you? (starts walking out the door)
ROLAND'S
VOICE Follow my voice. Come to me. Come
to me.
DOT (wakes up) Vespa,
where are you going?
EXT. TEMPLE - NIGHT ROLAND is standing outside
in
the desert.
ROLAND Vespa, come to me.
VESPA (opens the door and
walks on the desert
toward Roland) Daddy, is it really you?
ROLAND
Yes, my dear. I guarantee it. Would I lie?
VESPA Daddy.
DOT walks
out and turns on the Supervision Mode.
DOT Oh, Vespa, don't.
When
VESPA reaches to hug ROLAND, he turns into
HELMET.
VESPA Ah! Ohhhhh.
(faints and falls into Helmet's
arms)
HELMET (mask down) Fooled you.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
A guard covers Dot's eyes and she shuts down.
HELMET
Take them both aboard, and put the princess in my quarters. (hands
her to
Sandurz)
SANDURZ Yes sir. (walks off screen with Vespa)
HELMET Now
she is mine.
INT. TEMPLE - NIGHT LONE STARR and BARF come from
their
room. The DINKS are dinking, "They've taken the
princess."
LONE STARR What are they sayin'?
YOGURT
They've taken the princess.
LONE STARR and BARF run outside.
EXT.
DESERT - NIGHT Spaceball 1 takes off toward
space. LONE STARR and BARF just
now get out the door.
LONE STARR Spaceballs, too late.
BARF Don't
worry, boss. We'll get her back.
DESERT - EAGLE 5 - NIGHT LONE STARR and
BARF are
getting ready to leave.
LONE STARR Thanks for the gas,
Yogurt.
YOGURT You're welcome, and here. (throws a fortune
cookie at
Lone Starr) Just encase you get hungry.
LONE STARR (catches it) A fortune
cookie?
YOGURT Yes. Remember, open it before you eat it.
LONE
STARR Thanks. Well, we'd better get going.
I wonder, we will we ever see each
other again.
YOGURT Who knows. God willing we'll all meet again
in
Spaceballs II: The Search for More Money. Good-bye, Lone Starr.
LONE
STARR Good-bye, Yogurt.
LONE STARR and YOGURT shake hands. When LONE
STARR
pulls his hand back, he pulls back the ring.
LONE STARR The ring
of the Schwartz. No, I can't
take this.
YOGURT Take it. Take it. You
might need it.
LONE STARR Thanks. I'll never forget you. Wish
me luck.
DINKS Dink, dink.
LONE STARR climbs into Eagle 5. It starts up
and
takes off toward space.
INT. SPACEBALL 1 - HELMET'S ROOM - SPACE
HELMET
is apparently talking to VEPSA.
HELMET (mask up; talking in his
mask down voice)
So, Princess Vespa. At last, I have you in my clutches. To
have my way
with you. The way I want to.
He is playing with
dolls.
HELMET (imitating Vespa) No. No, please, leave
me alone. (mask
down voice) No you are mine. (imitating Lone Starr) Not
so fast, Helmet.
(mask down voice) Lone Starr. (imitating Lone Starr) Yes,
it's me. I'm here
to save my girlfriend. Hi, honey. (mask down voice) Now
you are going to die.
(imitating Lone Starr) Oh, oh, ohhhh. (imitating
Barf) Hey, what did you do
to my friend? (mask down voice) The same thing
I'm going to do to you, big
boy. (imitating Barf) Oh, ohhh. (mask down
voice) And you too. (imitating
Dot) Oh, ohh. (mask down voice) Now, Princess
Vespa, at last we are alone.
(imitating Vespa) No, no, I hate you. I hate
you. I hate you. Leave me
alone....yet, I find you strangely attractive.
(mask down voice) Of course
you do. Drewish princesses are always attracted
to money and power. And I
have both, and you know it. (imitating Vespa)
No, leave me alone. (mask down
voice) No, kiss me. (imitating Vespa) No,
yes, no, yes, yes, no, no, ah, oh,
oh, oh, ah, ohh, oh, you're helmet is
so big.
SANDURZ opens the door
behind him.
SANDURZ Lord Helmet.
HELMET (holds all the dolls out
of Sandurz's sight)
What?
SANDURZ You're needed on the bridge,
sir.
HELMET Knock on my door. Knock next time.
SANDURZ Yes,
sir.
HELMET Did you see anything?
SANDURZ No, sir. I didn't see
you playing with
your dolls again.
HELMET Good.
PLANET
SPACEBALL - SPACEBALL CITY - INT. SKROOB'S
BATHROOM - NIGHT SKROOB is
standing in front of the toilet. He is peeing.
His back is to the camera.
COMMANDERETTE appears on the wall in front of
him.
COMMANDERETTE
President Skroob.
SKROOB (covers crouch) Aaa. I told you never to
call
me on this wall. This is an unlisted wall.
COMMANDERETTE Sorry, sir, but
it's very urgent.
Princess Vespa has just been brought to your office, and
Lord Helmet and
Colonel Sandurz are awaiting you there.
SKROOB All
right, all right. Tell them I'll be
right there.
COMMANDERETTE Yes,
sir. (salutes)
SKROOB returns salute. He realizes he uncovered
his
crouch. He covers it back up. COMMANDERETTE smirks and disappears off
the
wall. SKROOB flushes the toilet and walks out.
INT. SKROOB'S OFFICE -
NIGHT HELMET and SANDURZ
are talking to ROLAND on the screen. Behind them is
VESPA on a table turned
vertically. Also is DR. SCHLOTKINS, GRETCHEN, and
ARNOLD.
ROLAND Helmet, you fiend, what's going on? What
are you doing
to my daughter?
HELMET (mask down) Permit me to introduce
the
brilliant, young plastic surgeon, Dr. Philip Schlotkins. The greatest
nose-job
man in the entire universe and Beverly-Hills.
SCHLOTKINS Your
highness.
ROLAND Nose-job? I don't understand. She's already
had a
nose. It was a sweet- 16 present.
HELMET No, it's not what you think.
It's much,
much, worse. If you do not give me the combination to the air
shield, Dr.
Schlotkins will give your daughter back (holds up picture) her
old nose.
VESPA Nooooooooooooooooooo. Where did you
get
that?
ROLAND All right, I'll tell. I'll tell.
VESPA No,
daddy, no. You mustn't.
ROLAND You're right my dear. I'll miss your
new
nose. But I will not tell them the combination no matter
what.
HELMET Very well. Dr. Schlotkins, do your worst.
SCHLOTKINS
My pleasure.
The table turns horizontal. VESPA faints.
ROLAND No,
wait, wait. I'll tell. I'll tell.
HELMET I knew it would
work.
HELMET and SANDURZ go closer to the screen. SANDURZ
is going to
write the combination down.
HELMET All right, give to me.
ROLAND
The combination is (hesitates) one.
HELMET One.
SANDURZ One.
(writes)
ROLAND Two.
HELMET Two.
SANDURZ Two.
(writes)
ROLAND Three.
HELMET Three.
SANDURZ Three
(writes)
ROLAND Four.
HELMET Four.
SANDURZ Four.
(writes)
ROLAND (hesitates) Five.
HELMET Five.
SANDURZ
Five. (writes)
HELMET So the combination is one, two, three,
four,
five. (lifts mask) That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard
in my
life. That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage.
SANDURZ
Thank you, your highness.
SANDURZ takes a remote out of his pocket,
points
it at the wall, and hits a button. Instead of turning off the wall,
he
turned off the whole movie. A blank screen appears. GRETCHEN is
making
sensual noises.
HELMET What'd you do?
SANDURZ I turned
off the wall.
HELMET No you didn't. You turned off the
whole
movie.
SANDURZ Well I must have pressed the wrong
button.
HELMET Well, turn it back on. Put the movie
back
on.
SANDURZ Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
The screen comes back on.
HELMET and SANDURZ are
standing in front. SCHLOTKINS is kissing on GRETCHEN'S
breasts. She is
still making sensual noises.
HELMET We gotta get that
thing fixed. We're back,
and we have the combination.
Schlotkins.
SCHLOTKINS (turns around) What?
GRETCHEN zips up her
dress.
HELMET We're done with you. Go back to the golf
course and work
on your puts.
SCHLOTKINS Let's go Arnold. Come Gretchen. Of
course,
you know, I'll still have to bill you for this.
SCHLOTKINS, ARNOLD, and
GRETCHEN walk out the
door. GRETCHEN looks at HELMET and SANDURZ before she
walks out.
HELMET I bet she gives great helmet.
SKROOB walks
in.
SKROOB Well, did it work? Where's the king?
HELMET It worked,
sir. We have the combination.
SKROOB Great. Now we can take every last
breath
fresh air from planet Druidia. What's the combination?
SANDURZ
One, two, three, four, five.
SKROOB One, two, three, four,
five?
SANDURZ That's amazing. I've got the same combination
on my
luggage. Prepare Spaceball 1 for immediate departure.
SANDURZ Yes,
sir.
SKROOB, SANDURZ, and HELMET start walking out
the
door.
SKROOB And change the combination on my luggage.
HELMET
walks through the door. The door closes
on him.
HELMET
Aaaaaa.
PLANET SPACEBALL - INT. EAGLE 5 - NIGHT LONE STARR
and BARF
are in the front. LONE STARR is driving.
BARF There it is. Spaceball City
straight ahead.
LONE STARR Good. I'm takin' her in.
SPACEBALL CITY
- EXT. PRISON BALL - NIGHT EAGLE
5 lands on the road. It is a no parking
zone. Two DOOR GUARDS are standing
at the door.
SLENDER DOOR GUARD
What the hell is that thing?
CHUBBY DOOR GUARD It looks like a Winnebago
with
wings.
SLENDER DOOR GUARD Gees. Hey you can't park
here.
CHUBBY DOOR GUARD Yeah, can't you guys read:
No
parking.
BARF opens the door and flicks them off. He also
makes
kissing noises. BARF is hinting they're lovers.
SLENDER DOOR GUARD That
son of a.... (cocks gun)
The SLENDER DOOR GUARD and CHUBBY DOOR GUARD
go
to the door that BARF went back in.
SLENDER DOOR GUARD All right,
hands up. You're
under arrest for illegal parking.
CHUBBY DOOR GUARD
Yeah.
They walk in. The EAGLE 5 starts rocking back
and forth. The
guards are shouting. Afterwards, LONE STARR comes out in
the SLENDER DOOR
GUARD'S uniform. BARF comes out in the CHUBBY DOOR GUARD'S
uniform. His tail
is sticking out the back of the pants. They walk to the
door. LONE STARR
unlocks the door with the key on the uniform. They walk
in.
INT.
PRISON DOME - FRONT HALL - NIGHT LONE STARR
and BARF walk down a hall. They
notice a PRISON GUARD walking down the
hall towards them. LONE STARR and BARF
stand against the wall. The PRISON
GUARD walks past them. LONE STARR and BARF
start walking the way they were
going. The PRISON GUARD looks back at them.
He notices BARF'S TAIL. He
looks forward again.
PRISON GUARD
Nah.
INT. PRISON DOME - ROYAL PRISONS - NIGHT LONE
STARR and BARF walk
in. They notice a sign above the doorway. It says,
"ROYAL PRISONERS
ONLY. MAXIMUM SECURITY."
LONE STARR She's gotta be in one of
these cells.
BARF Yeah, but which one.
They search in each door.
They open the eye slot
on each door they look through.
BARF
No.
LONE STARR No.
VESPA(O.S.) (sings in deep voice) Nobody
knows....
LONE STARR It's coming from there.
BARF That can't be
her.
LONE STARR and BARF walk towards the cell VESPA'S
singing is
coming from.
VESPA(O.S.) (sings in deep voice) ....the trouble
I've
seen.
LONE STARR opens the eye slot. He finds VESPA
inside. DOT is
sleeping next to her.
VESPA (sings in deep voice) Nobody knows but
Jesus.
LONE STARR It's her.
BARF looks in.
VESPA (sings in
deep voice) Nobody knows the trouble
I've seen.
BARF She's a
bass.
VESPA (sings in deep voice) Glory hallelujah.
LONE STARR
opens the door with the key he used
to open the front door. He and BARF walk
in. The door closes on BARF'S
TAIL.
BARF Hieee.
VESPA What do
you what? DOT wakes up.
LONE STARR (takes off helmet) It's
me.
BARF (takes off helmet) It's us.
VESPA Lone Starr. How'd you
find us?
LONE STARR No time to talk. C'mon.
BARF We gotta
move.
DOT Barf. How'd you do it?
LONE STARR pulls VESPA out of the
cell. BARF follows
with DOT. They sneak out of the hall.
SPACEBALL
CITY - INT. PRISON DOME - INNER HALLS
- NIGHT LONE STARR, VESPA, BARF, and
DOT start to run for the front door.
LONE STARR stops.
SLENDER DOOR
GUARD(O.S) Freeze!
The SLENDER DOOR GUARD and the CHUBBY DOOR
GUARD
are standing in the hall with their guns. They are in their
underwear.
SLENDER DOOR GUARD Those are the guys that stole
our
uniforms. (cocks gun)
CHUBBY DOOR GUARD And beat the shit out of
us,
too. (cocks gun)
LONE STARR cocks his gun. He fires it at the
door
guards. The door guards run off. Laser blasts come from another
hall.
LONE STARR Ah-oh, we got company.
LONE STARR kneels down and
crawls over to the
opposite wall. VESPA, BARF, and DOT follow. LONE STARR and
BARF fire at
the troopers that are firing at them.
BARF Dammit. That's
our only way out.
VESPA We're trapped!
DOT Oh, I hate these
movies.
LONE STARR and BARF keep firing at the troopers.
BARF throws
his gun down.
BARF I'm outta ammo.
LONE STARR Get back. I'll hold
'em off.
LONE STARR and the TROOPERS keep firing at
each
other.
BARF I got an idea.
BARF walks over to a quad-pipe
loop. LONE STARR
stops firing and stands up.
LONE STARR What are you
doing?
BARF starts to pull out the pipes.
DOT What's he
doing?
BARF pulls out half of the pipes. He takes it
to the hallway
where the firing is coming from. He faces the openings to
the TROOPERS. The
TROOPERS fire at BARF. The shots go into the pipes. They
enter the top and
exit the bottom. All the shots hit each TROOPER. When
each TROOPER is hit,
they fall down.
LONE STARR Good work.
Laser blasts come out of
another hall.
LONE STARR Ah-oh, more ping-pongs. Run for it.
BARF
Let's go.
BARF starts running down a hall. LONE STARR starts
running.
VESPA and DOT start running.
VESPA It's closing.
A door in front
of them starts closing vertically.
VESPA The door is closing.
LONE
STARR Go for the door.
LONE STARR, BARF, DOT, and VESPA jump
through
the door just before it closes.
SPACEBALL CITY - INT. CONTROL
ROOM - NIGHT TROOPERS
come in through another door. LONE STARR, BARF, VESPA,
and DOT start to
get up.
TROOPER Don't move, or you're dead! Stand
up!
Captain, we've got them!
The CAPTAIN walks in behind
them.
CAPTAIN Spectacular stunt, my friends, but all
for not. Turn
around please.
LONE STARR, BARF, VESPA, and DOT turn around.
The
stunts of LONE STARR, BARF, VESPA, and DOT turn around.
CAPTAIN Ha. What
a pity. What a pity. So, Princess,
you thought you could outwit the imperious
forces of....
CAPTAIN looks at VESPA with his mouth open.
VESPA'S
STUNT is a man with a cigar in his mouth.
CAPTAIN You idiots!
These are not them. You've
captured their stunt doubles! Search the area.
Find them! Find them!
SPACEBALL CITY - EXT. PRISON DOME - NIGHT
The
real BARF, LONE STARR, VESPA, and DOT come out of the PRISON DOME.
LONE
STARR is firing at TROOPERS that follows them out the door. A laser
blast
hits the lock on a door of the EAGLE 5. BARF runs over to the that
door.
He tries to open it.
VESPA Open the door.
BARF I can't.
It's fused.
VESPA Well, what about this one? (pulls on
another
door)
BARF It's locked.
VESPA Well, where are the
keys?
BARF Inside.
VESPA Oh, great!
LONE STARR
Duck!
BARF, DOT, and VESPA lean against the EAGLE 5.
LONE STARR runs
back towards the door that's fused. He hands his gun to
VESPA.
LONE
STARR Here, you hold 'em off. I'll get the
door.
VESPA I ain't
shootin' this thing. I hate guns.
A TROOPER fires at VESPA'S hair. The
laser blast
hits it.
DOT Ah.
VESPA My hair. He shot my hair.
Son of a bitch.
(cocks gun)
VEPSA walks toward the TROOPERS. She
starts firing
at the them. She hits every one of them. BARF and LONE STARR
look up.
BARF Holy shit.></P>
VESPA (blows the barrel)
How was that.
LONE STARR Not bad.
BARF Not bad for a
girl.
DOT Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo.
VESPA Let's blow
this joint.
EXT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE There are foot steps
running
somewhere on the ship.
INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE SKROOB is running
down
the ship towards HELMET and SANDURZ.
VOICE(O.S.) President
Skroob. Salute.
ALL Hail Skroop. (salute)
SKROOB (stops running)
The ship is too big. If
I walk, the movie would be over.
SANDURZ
Sir?
SKROOB Yes, uuh.
SKROOB looks at HELMET. HELMET'S mask is
down.
><FONT COLOR="#FF0080">SKROOB Never have that damn thing
down in front
of me. How do I know you're not making faces at me under
there.
HELMET lifts up his mask. He sticks his tongue
out at
SKROOB.
SANDURZ President Skroob
SKROOB Yes.
HELMET puts
his tongue back in his mouth.
SANDURZ There it is: Planet
Druidia.
SKROOB Ah, Planet Druidia, and ten thousand years
of fresh
air.
HELMET (mask up; to Sandurz) The way he runs things,
it last a
hundred.
SKROOB What?
HELMET shrugs.
SANDURZ We're
beginning metamorphosis, sir.
SKROOB Good. Get on with it.
HELMET
Ready, Kafka?
INT. EAGLE 5 - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE LONE
STARR,
BARF, VESPA, and DOT are sitting up front. LONE STARR is
driving.
LONE STARR Look. It's Spaceball 1. They've reached
the air
shield.
DOT And it's opening.
BARF How they gonna get the air out?
I don't see
any hoses or anything.
EXT. SPACEBALL 1 - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA
- SPACE SPACEBALL
1 begins to move. It starts to change
form.
VESPA(O.S.) What's happening? The ship it's
changing.
SPACEBALL 1 keeps on changing. Arms start to grow
out of the
side. The rockets turn into feet.
INT. EAGLE 5 - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA -
SPACE
BARF Oh my gosh. It's not just a spaceship. It's
a
transformer.
EXT. SPACEBALL 1 - ORBIT DRUIDIA - SPACE The front
of the
ship starts to turn over.
DOT(O.S.) It's changing
into....
BARF(O.S.) ....a gigantic....
The front turns over to
reveal a head similar
the Statue of Liberty's head. SPACEBALL 1 has changed
into a Statue of
Liberty with a maid's outfit and a vacuum
cleaner.
VESPA(O.S.) ....maid.
LONE STARR(O.S.) With a vacuum
cleaner.
BARF(O.S.) So that's how they're gonna to get
the air
out.
INT. MEGA MAID - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE The
front of the ship
is almost the same, except for the escape pods at the
top.
SANDURZ
Metamorphoses is completed, sir. Spaceball
1 has now become.... (looks at the
timpanist) The TIMPANIST plays a sort
of fanfare on the
timpani.
SANDURZ ....Mega Maid.
HELMET (mask up)
Good.
SKROOB Remarkable.
HELMET Now, commence Operation:
Vacu-suck.
EXT. MEGA MAID - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE A finger
flips a
switch on the vacuum to "ON." The vacuum starts
up.
PLANET DRUIDIA - SURFACE - DAY The vacuum sucks
up snow off of a
mountain. It sucks up trees out of a forest.
INT. MEGA MAID - ORBIT OF
DRUIDIA - SPACE
SKROOB, HELMET, & SANDURZ Suck. Suck.
Suck.
PLANET DRUIDIA - INT. PALACE - ROLAND'S ROOM -
DAY ROLAND is
looking at a picture of VESPA. He is having trouble breathing.
ROLAND
Goodbye, little Vespa. My little baby,
Vespa. (faints)
INT. EAGLE 5 -
ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE
VESPA The air bag, it's almost full.
LONE
STARR We've gotta act fast. Step 1, we reverse
the vacuum and blow the air
back on the planet; step 2, we destroy that
thing.
VESPA But isn't
that dangerous?
LONE STARR Extremely, plus, I don't know how the
hell
we're gonna do it. BARF What about that ring Yogurt gave you?
LONE STARR
Oh yeah. LONE STARR pulls the Schwartz
ring out of his pocket.
LONE
STARR But....
BARF C'mon, boss, give it a shot.
LONE STARR Okay.
Here goes nothing.
LONE STARR points the ring at the vacuum.
EXT.
MEGA MAID - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE The
switch on the vacuum starts to glow
and move towards the reverse part of
the vacuum.
VESPA(O.S.) Look at
that. Wow.
BARF(O.S.) It....it's working.
VESPA(O.S.) C'mon
Schwartz.
VESPA, BARF, & DOT(O.S.) C'mon Schwartz.
C'mon
Schwartz. C'mon Schwartz.
The switch flips over to the reverse
part. The
vacuum starts blowing air back on the planet.
INT. MEGA MAID
- SPACE
SKROOB Helmet, what's going on?
HELMET (mask down)
Sandurz, what's going on?
SANDURZ It's Mega Maid. She gone from suck
to
blow.
HELMET and SANDURZ react.
SKROOB What? They're getting
all their air back.
(to Helmet) Do something. HELMET (to Sandurz) Do
something.
SANDURZ (in microphone) Do something.
PLANET DRUIDIA -
SURFACE - DAY The snow is dumped
back on the mountain. The trees are planted
back in the same spots.
INT. PALACE - ROLAND'S ROOM - DAY Air starts
to
come in. ROLAND wakes up.
ROLAND I'm breathing. Air.
Air!
EXT. MEGA MAID - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE EAGLE
5 flies in the
ear of the head.
INT. EAGLE 5 - INT. MEGA MAID - EAR CANAL -
SPACE
LONE STARR Dim the lights.
BARF Dimming the lights. (hits a
switch)
The lights go out.
LONE STARR Go to inferred.
BARF
Going to inferred. (turns a knob)
LONE STARR Prey to God.
BARF
Preying to God.
The inferred light comes on. The television
monitor
shows a layout of the ear canal. It shows how the EAGLE 5 is
maneuvering
through the canal. LONE STARR turns on the scanning
switch.
DOT Careful. Careful.
BARF What are you doin'?
LONE
STARR Scanning. There's gotta be a self-
destruct mechanism somewhere in the
central brain area.
The scanner looks around the ship.
LONE STARR
I think we just found it. VESPA Where?
LONE STARR Watch.
LONE
STARR hits a switch. The television monitor
shows a a red flashing
button.
LONE STARR Bingo. There it is. It's right below
us. Put her in
hover, Barf.
BARF Putting her hover.
LONE STARR I'm goin' down
there. (walks toward
the door)
BARF He's goin' down there. I
wouldn't.
EXT. EAGLE - INT. MEGA MAID - EAR CANAL - SPACE
LONE STARR
walks down the ladder. He walks over to the emergency exit door.
He opens the
door and walks in. When the door closes the silent emergency
alarm goes
off.
INT. MEGA MAID - EXT. SELF-DESTRUCT ROOM - SPACE
A GUARD is
standing next to the door to the self destruct room. LONE STARR
sneaks up on
him and tries to knock him out with the Vulcan Neck Pinch.
GUARD
reacts.
GUARD (MILA) What the hell are you doin'?
LONE STARR The
Vulcan Neck Pinch.
GUARD (MILA) No, no, stupid, you've got it much
too
high. It's down here where the shoulder meets the neck.
LONE STARR
changes his hand position.
LONE STARR Like this?
GUARD (MILA)
Yeah. (falls down unconscious)
LONE STARR Thanks. LONE STARR takes the
key card
from the GUARD'S belt. He uses it in the panel to open the door. The
panel
opens up showing an outline of a hand.
PANEL'S VOICE Hand print
identification, please.
Hand print identification, please.
PANEL'S
VOICE keeps repeating. LONE STARR takes
the glove off the hand of the guard.
He puts it in the outline. The voice
stops. It scans the hand. A door opens
next to the panel.
LONE STARR Thanks again. (knocks on Guard's
helmet)
LONE STARR goes in the door.
INT. SELF-DESTRUCT ROOM -
SPACE LONE STARR walks
in. He notices green bars guarding the self- destruct
button.
SELF-DESTRUCT GUARD Is that you Mila?
LONE STARR reacts.
He points the Schwartz ring
at a can of Spaceballs-the Shaving Cream. It
starts to move towards him.
The SELF-DESTRUCT GUARD reacts. He turns around
to LONE STARR who catches
the can.
SELF-DESTRUCT GUARD Who are you?
What are you
doing with that?
LONE STARR This.
LONE STARR
sprays shaving cream in the eyes of
the SELF-DESTRUCT GUARD. The
SELF-DESTRUCT GUARD screams and opens his
mouth. LONE STARR sprays the cream
down his mouth. The SELF-DESTRUCT GUARD
falls down unconscious.
LONE
STARR Sweet dreams.
LONE STARR takes the card off the
SELF-DESTRUCT
GUARD'S belt. He inserts it into a panel and moves a switch to
pull up
the green bars. The green bars disappear. LONE STARR walks up to the
self-destruct
button. It says, "DO NOT PUSH UNLESS YOU REALLY,
REALLY, MEAN IT."
LONE STARR begins to press the
button.
HELMET (mask down) Not so fast, Lone Starr.
(walks
in)
LONE STARR Helmet. So, at last we meet for the
first
time for the last time. (thinks about what he said) Yeah.
HELMET Before
you die, there is something you
should know about us, Lone Starr.
LONE
STARR What?
HELMET I am your father's brother's nephew's
cousin's
former room-mate.
LONE STARR What's that make
us?
HELMET Absolutely nothing. Which is what you are
about to become.
Prepare to die.
HELMET puts his Schwartz ring on. He puts his
hands
next to his crouch. A green light beam similar to a light saber.
LONE STARR
does the same.
HELMET You have the ring, and I see your Schwartz
is as
big as mine.
Both look at their beams.
HELMET Now let's see how
well you handle it.
HELMET walks over to LONE STARR and starts
to
fight with him. They swipe at each other with their beams. HELMET
pulls
back a little too far and knocks off the sound manager from the stage
crew.
He screams and falls off a ledge. LONE STARR and HELMET stop
fighting.
HELMET Ummm, he did it.
LONE STARR What?
LONE
STARR swipes at HELMET. HELMET blocks it.
They start fighting again. They
swipe at each other until their beams become
twisted.
HELMET Shit. I
hate it when I get my Schwartz
twisted. Okay, maybe if my put leg up on yours
we can split apart.
HELMET puts his foot on LONE STARR'S
leg.
HELMET Good, yeah. On three; one, two, three,
go.
HELMET
and LONE STARR pull away from each other.
Their beams disappear. HELMET looks
up and recreates his beam. He points
it at LONE STARR. LONE STARR does the
same and points his at HELMET. They
move in closer. Their beams touch ends.
They are trying to cause the other
to lose their beam. HELMET loses his beam.
LONE STARR swipes at HELMET'S
helmet. It doesn't make a mark. He tries again,
same. He tries again, same.
HELMET lifts his mask up and laughs at him. LONE
STARR'S beam disappears.
He punches HELMET'S face. HELMET'S mask falls down.
He recreates his beam
and charges at LONE STARR. LONE STARR holds him back
with his hand. HELMET
swipes at him several times. LONE STARR lets go of
HELMET. HELMET runs
into a locker with his helmet.
HELMET So, Lone
Starr, Yogurt has taught you well.
If there is one thing I despise, it is a
fair fight. But if I must than
I must. May the best man win. Put 'er there.
(offers to shake his hand)
LONE STARR goes to shake his hand. HELMET
takes
the ring off LONE STARR'S hand.
HELMET The ring. I can't believe
you fell for
the oldest trick in the book. What a goof. What's with you man?
Come on.
You know what? No, here let me give it back to you. (offers the ring
back)
LONE STARR goes up to get the ring back. HELMET
throws it in a
grate. The ring goes in the grate. LONE STARR tries to catch
it and falls to
the grate.
HELMET Oh, look. You fell for that, too. I can't
believe it
man.
LONE STARR gets up and runs to a corner.
HELMET So, Lone
Starr, now you see that evil will
always triumph, because good is
dumb.
HELMET fires a green beam at LONE STARR. LONE
STARR dodges.
HELMET tries again. LONE STARR dodges. HELMET tries again.
LONE STARR dodges.
LONE STARR backs into another corner.
HELMET Very impressive, Lone Starr.
Too bad this
isn't the Wide World of Sports.
YOGURT'S VOICE Use the
Schwartz, Lone Starr. Use
the Schwartz.
LONE STARR I can't. I lost the
ring.
YOGURT'S VOICE(O.S.) Forget the ring. The ring
is pumpkin. I
found it in a Cracker Jack box. The Schwartz is in you, Lone
Starr. It's in
you.
LONE STARR All right. I'll try.
HELMET Say goodbye to your
two best friends, and
I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago.
LONE
STARR points his fist at a mirror on a shelf.
It starts to move towards him.
HELMET fires another green beam at his crouch.
LONE STARR catches the mirror,
and cover his crouch. The beam reflects
off the mirror to HELMET. It hits
HELMET'S crouch. HELMET falls back into
the self-destruct button and
activates it.
SHIP'S VOICE Thank you for pressing the
self-destruct
button. This ship will self-destruct in three
minutes.
LONE STARR runs out of the room.
INT. MEGA MAID - SPACE
An alarm starts going off.
Red lights start flashing. SKROOB and SANDURZ
react.
SKROOB What's going on? Where the hell are
we,
Paris?
SHIP'S VOICE Thank you for pressing the
self-destruct
button. This ship will self-destruct in exactly two minutes and
forty-five
seconds.
SKROOB You've got to stop it. Is there any
to
stop it?
SANDURZ I can't. It's irreversible.
SKROOB Like my
raincoat.
SANDURZ (in microphone) Attention. This is Colonel
Sandurz
in forward command. Abandon ship. Abandon ship.
Everyone on the ship
starts to panic and run like
crazy.
SANDURZ (in microphone) All
personnel, proceed
to escape pods. Close down the circus. Evacuate the zoo.
Self-destruct
mechanism has been activated. Abandon ship.
SKROOB
Sandurz, Sandurz, you've got to help me.
I don't know what to do. I can't
make decisions. I'm the president.
SHIP'S VOICE This is your two minute
warning.
This ship will self-destruct in exactly two minutes.
SANDURZ
Launch all escape pods as soon as they
are filled.
INT. EAGLE 5 - INT.
MEGA MAID - EAR CANAL - SPACE
VESPA What's happening? Where is he? Where
is
he?
LONE STARR (walks in) Here. We've got a minute
and forty
before the end of the world. Hang on.
EXT. EAGLE 5 - INT. MEGA MAID - EAR
CANAL - SPACE
Two troopers come out of the emergency door with guns. They get
under the
EAGLE 5 and start firing at the floor.
INT. EAGLE 5 - INT.
MEGA MAID - EAR CANAL - SPACE
LONE STARR Full throttle.
BARF Full
throttle. (pulls on throttle)
LONE STARR Go to hyperjets.
BARF
Going to hyperjets. (pulls on hyper-lever)
EAGLE 5 takes off. Everyone
inside is pushed back
with the sudden burst of speed.
INT. MEGA MAID -
SPACE SANDURZ climbs the ladder
and looks in the first escape pod. He moves
on to the next one. SKROOB
follows him. He looks in the first
pod.
SKROOB Hey, get outta there. Where do you think
you're
going?
PIZZA GUY Pizza to go. (laughs)
The PIZZA GUY pulls on a
lever. The door closes
from the top. The pod takes off. HELMET walks up a
ladder to his pod. A
bearded woman is getting into it.
HELMET Hey,
hey, that's my escape pod. Who are
you?
BEARDED LADY I'm the bearded
lady. What are you?
One of the freaks?
The BEARDED LADY knees HELMET
in the crouch. She
laughs. She gets in the pod and takes off. HELMET looks in
the window of
the door.
HELMET No. Come back you fat, bearded,
bitch.
SKROOB, SANDURZ, and HELMET don't notice a bear
getting in the
last pod.
SKROOB One pod left, and three of us, and I'm
the president.
Well boys it's a very lovely ship. I think you should go
down with it.
Good-bye.
SKROOB gets in the pod. He sits on the bear. He
tries to
buckle the arms of the bear like there are a seat belt. He looks
at the bear
and reacts. The bear chases him out of the pod. The bear closes
the door and
waves at SKROOB. The pod takes off.
SHIP'S VOICE This ship will self
destruct in twenty
seconds. This is your last chance to push the cancellation
button.
SKROOB Cancellation button? Hurry.
They all slide down a
ladder. They run to the
center of the ship.
HELMET Where is it? Where
is it. SANDURZ It's
gotta be here.
SANDURZ opens a panel to the
self-destruct cancellation
button. It has a sign on that says, "OUT
OF ORDER."
SANDURZ Out of order?
HELMET Fuck. Even in the
future nothing works.
SHIP'S VOICE This ship will self-destruct in
exactly
ten seconds.
SKROOB, SANDURZ, and HELMET react. They
scrunch
up together.
SHIP'S VOICE Counting down. Ten, nine,
eight,
six....
SKROOB Six? What happened to seven?
SHIP'S VOICE
Just kidding.
SKROOB, SANDURZ, and HELMET react.
INT. EAGLE 5 -
INT. MEGA MAID - EAR CANAL - SPACE
They are driving close to the end of the
canal.
VESPA There's the other end. Faster.
SHIP'S VOICE Seven,
six, five....
INT. MEGA MAID - SPACE
SHIP'S VOICE ....four, three,
two, one. Have a
nice day.
SKROOB, SANDURZ, & HELMET Thank
you.
EXT. MEGA MAID - SPACE The EAGLE 5 comes out of
the opposite ear,
and it starts to fly away. MEGA MAID explodes. The EAGLE
5 just makes it out
of the explosion.
VESPA(O.S.) We did it!
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
VESPA hugs BARF. DOT is dancing.
LONE STARR is cheering. VESPA turns to hug
LONE STARR. They start to kiss,
but they stop.
LONE STARR We all did
it.
PLANET DRUIDIA - INT. EAGLE 5 - MORNING LONE STARR
and BARF are
watching the news.
NEWS MAN ....so I guess you might call that a
case
of man bites druid. (laughs) On a sadder note, Pizza the Hut (famed
half-man,
half-pizza) was found dead earlier today in the back seat of
his stretched
limo. Evidently, the notorious gangster became locked in
his car, and ate
himself to death. Coming up, Pongo's review of Rocky
five....thousand.
Pongo.
BARF laughs and turns off the
television.
BARF Did you here that? Pizza kicked the bucket.
Now we
don't have to pay him the million. We can keep it for ourselves.
LONE
STARR Yeah.
EXT. PALACE - DAY EAGLE 5 flies in and circles
around the
palace then lands on the ground.
INT. PALACE - THRONE ROOM - DAY The DOOR
MAN opens
the door to let VESPA, LONE STARR, BARF, and DOT in. VESPA runs to
ROLAND.
VESPA Daddy. (runs to hug Roland) Oh, daddy.
ROLAND Vespa,
my darling. I thought I'd never
see you again. Oh, my sweet little daughter.
I'm so happy that home and
safe. And little Vespa, here's someone else who's
happy to see you. ROLAND
reveals VALIUM asleep in a chair. A man who was
talking to ROLAND hits
VALIUM. VALIUM wakes up.
VALIUM Oh, hello.
(yawns) Where've you been? EXT.
EAGLE 5 - SPACE EAGLE 5 is flying into space
away from the camera.
EXT. DINER - SPACE EAGLE has landed on the
platform.
INT. DINER - SPACE A waitress is talking to the
cashier. The
cashier gives her something.
WAITRESS Thanks, hon.
LONE STARR and
BARF walk in. They sit at the bar.
The WAITRESS walks towards them. She gives
them water.
WAITRESS (to Barf) Hi, big stuff. (to Lone Starr)
Hi,
dream. (to both) What'll you have?
LONE STARR We've just got a few
minutes while
were gasin' up. What's ready?
WAITRESS I can give the
Space Soup or the Space
Special.
LONE STARR Ummmmm, I'll have the
soup.
WAITRESS Okay. (writes the order)
BARF I'll have the
cleavage, ur, the special.
WAITRESS Okay, I have one special and one
soup.
The WAITRESS comes up behind them to a table. BARF'S TAIL is wagging
and
is going up the waitress's mini-skirt.
WAITRESS You ready to
order? CUSTOMER Hi, yes.
We'll both have the luna fish.
WAITRESS Okay,
anything to drink? (turns around)
Hey, hey, watch you're stickin' that
thing.
BARF (turns around) Huh? Oh, look, it's got a
mind of it's own,
sweetheart. I can't do a thing with it. (laughs)
The WAITRESS walks away
to another table. BARF
howls like a dog. LONE STARR hits him.
BARF
What?
Some people are sitting at the other end of the
bar. One of them
is telling a story. One of them (JOHN HURT) is eating.
GUY AT BAR We were
lost. None of us knew where
we were. And then Harry began feelin' around on
all the trees. And then
he says, "I got it: we on Pluto. And we
said, "Harry how can
you tell?" He said, "From the
bark you dummies. (laughs) From
the bark. (laughs)
JOHN HURT starts to
act like he's choking on his
food. Then he grabs his stomach like he has
indigestion.
WOMAN AT BAR Is he all right?
GUY AT BAR Yeah, this
guy digs me.
JOHN HURT spits out some of his food. They lie
him down
on the bar. LONE STARR and BARF look and react.
WOMAN AT BAR Bring some
water.
GUY AT BAR Water my ass. Bring this guy some
Pempto
Bismal.
BARF Waitress! Waitress, what did order?
The
WAITRESS comes over to BARF. She looks over
to JOHN HURT.
WAITRESS Oh,
he had the special. BARF The spec....
That's what I ordered. Change my order
to the soup.
LONE STARR Good move.
Something is trying to push out
of JOHN HURT'S
stomach. It eventually comes out. A little alien comes out of
his stomach.
It growls. JOHN HURT looks at it.
JOHN HURT Oh, no. Not
again.
The ALIEN jumps out of his stomach on to
Spaceballs-the
Placemat. Some people scream. The ALIEN growls again. Then, it
puts on
a little hat and starts to dance down the bar.
ALIEN Hello, my
baby. Hello my honey. Hello my
rag-time gal. Send me a kiss by wire. Baby my
heart's on fire.
The ALIEN dances past LONE STARR and BARF. LONE
STARR
and BARF react.
ALIEN If you refuse me, honey, you lose me,
then
you'll be left alone. Oh baby, telephone and tell I'm your
own.
The ALIEN goes through doors in the wall. The
doors close behind
him. LONE STARR and BARF stand up.
LONE STARR & BARF Check
please.
EXT. CHAPLE - DAY The sing outside says, "TODAY,
THE
ROYAL WEDDING OF PRINCESS VESPA TO PRINCE VALIUM, TAKE
TWO."
INT. CHAPLE - DAY ROLAND and VESPA are standing
next to
each other. DOT is behind VESPA. The USHER walks in.
USHER Five minutes
to magic time.
ROLAND Are you all right, my dear. You look a
little
fighty.
VESPA Don't worry about me, Father. I'm completely
over him.
Ha, didn't even stay for the wedding. Just grabbed his million
spacebucks and
ran.
ROLAND He didn't take the million.
VESPA He
didn't?
ROLAND No. He just took two hundred and forty-eight
spacebucks
for lunch, gas, and tolls.
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
BARF I still can't
believe you turned down the
money. At least we could've stayed for the
wedding feast. I'm starvin'.
Have you got anything to eat.
LONE STARR
Na. Oh, wait. Yogurt gave me that fortune
cookie. (gets the cookie out of his
pocket) Here, chow down. (hands it
to Barf)
BARF (takes it) Wow,
thanks. I'll split it with
ya.
LONE STARR No.
BARF
Okay.
BARF opens the cookie. A stream of gold glitter
comes out of the
cookie and flies over the doorway. LONE STARR and BARF
react. The stream
stops at the doorway. It turns into YOGURT. He has gold
glittery streams
coming out of him.
LONE STARR & BARF Yogurt.
YOGURT Hello,
boys. Well, you opened your fortune
cookie, so here's your fortune. Lone
Starr, you know that medallion that
you wear around your neck, but you don't
know what it means?
LONE STARR takes the medallion out of his
shirt.
YOGURT Well, here's what it means: it's a royal
birth
certificate. Yes. Your father was a king. Your mother was a queen.
Which
makes you a certified prince.
LONE STARR Hey, I'm a prince. I'm a prince.
Which
means....
YOGURT Which means, if you hurry, there could
be a
princess in your future. Now, if you want to get back there before
she
marries Sleeping Beauty, there's and special can of fuel in your
glove
compartment. Good luck, boys.
BARF Bye, Yogurt.
LONE
STARR And, Yogurt, thanks.
YOGURT You're welcome. And my the Schwartz
be
with you..... (starts to fade away) .....oh...oh....what a world,
what
a world. (completely fades out)
LONE STARR Barf, open that glove
compartment.
BARF You got it, your highness.
BARF opens the glove
compartment and pulls out
a can of Liquid Schwartz.
BARF Wow, Liquid
Schwartz.
LONE STARR Quick, pour it in the emergency tank.
BARF
Right.
BARF opens the emergency tank lid in the floor.
He pours the
Liquid Schwartz in the tank. As he pours, the tank starts
to glow
yellow.
LONE STARR Look at that.
BARF Done.
BARF closes the
lid and sits up.
LONE STARR Hang on, Barfo, we're gonna make
space-tracks.
(turns the wheel shapely)
EXT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE EAGLE
turns around sharply
and leaves space-tracks where it turned.
EXT.
MEGA MAID'S HEAD - ORBIT OF PLANET OF THE
APES - SPACE The head falls toward
the planet. SKROOB, SANDURZ, and HELMET
are screaming.
PLANET OF THE
APES - BEACH - DAY The head falls
toward the beach and crashes on the sand.
Two apes riding horses ride towards
the head. They stop when they see
something moving.
1ST APE Dear me, what are those things coming
out of
her nose?
The 2ND APE looks through binoculars. He sees
SANDURZ on the
ground, HELMET is climbing down a rope, followed by SKROOB.
SKROOB steps on
HELMET'S helmet.
HELMET (mask up) Hey, hey, watch my helmet.
The
2ND APE stops looking in the binoculars.
2ND APE Spaceballs?
1ST
APE Oh shit, there goes the planet.
INT. CHAPLE - ALTAR - DAY The
minister is conducting
the wedding ceremony.
MINISTER Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here
together (pause) again....
VESPA (to Roland) Why
didn't you tell he didn't
take the money?
ROLAND I didn't think it was
important.
MINISTER May I continue, please?
ROLAND Besides, he
asked me not to tell you.
MINISTER Thank you. ....to join Princess
Vespa
and Princess Valium. I'm sorry, it's the hair. Prince Valium in the
bonds
of holy matrimony.
VESPA I see it all now. Don't you see he
loves
me?
MINISTER Excuse me, I'm trying to conduct a wedding
here
which has nothing to do with love. Please be quiet.
VESPA I'm
sorry.
ROLAND I'm sorry.
VALIUM I'm sorry, too.
MINISTER
Don't be sorry, be quiet.
VESPA, ROLAND, & VALIUM I'm
sorry.
MINISTER ....to join Princess Vespa and Prince
Valium in the
bonds of holy....
EAGLE 5 flies over.
MINISTER
....moly.
AUDIENCE reacts.
MINISTER Matrimony.
VESPA That's
him. I know it's him. He's come back.
MINISTER That's it. We're gonna
take no more chances
and to do it with the short version. (faster) Do you
Prince Valium take
Princess Vespa to be your lawfully wedded
wife.
VALIUM (yawns) Uh-huh.
MINISTER (fast) Princess Vespa, do
you take Prince
Valium to be your lawfully wedded husband.
VESPA
Uh....well....I suppose. Oh, I don't know.
LONE STARR and BARF walk in
the doorway behind
everybody.
LONE STARR No, she
doesn't
MINISTER What?
ALL react. LONE STARR and BARF walk down
the aisle.
He stops half way.
MINISTER Who the hell are
you?
LONE STARR Prince Lone Starr.
VESPA Prince?
LONE STARR
I just found out. That's what this
says. I'm an honest to God prince. Will
you marry me?
VESPA Well, let me think about it. (pushes
Valium)
Yes.
LONE STARR walks onto the altar.
MINISTER I'm sick
of this. I don't give a damn
who it is, but I'm gonna marry somebody today.
(to Barf) Who are you?
BARF I'm the best man.
MINISTER What's you
name?
BARF Barf.
MINISTER Your full-name.
BARF
Barfolomew.
MINISTER Are the one getting married?
BARF
No.
MINISTER Then get over there.
BARF reacts and moves to the
left of the altar.
MINISTER Okay. Here we go, the short-short
version.
(to Lone Starr) Do you?
LONE STARR Yes.
MINISTER Do
you?
VESPA Yes.
MINISTER Good. You're married. Kiss
her.
LONE STARR I love you.
VESPA I love you.
LONE STARR
and VESPA kiss. AUDIENCE applaud. BARF
starts to cry.
DOT Well,
(sniff) good-bye Virgin Alarm.
EXT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE EAGLE 5 takes off
into space.
It has, "JUST MARRIED" written on the back. The
jets are leaving
a stream of gold glitter behind. They form the words,
"MAY THE SCHWARTZ
BE WITH YOU."
ROLL MAIN CAST and
CREDITS.
THE END